WARNING: Swearing ahead
I believe that we’ve all heard love and romance described as “a bed of roses” before. I also believe that that’s what many people want to have – a beautiful romance where everything is nice, sweet, and filled with petals, rainbows, and fluffy animals. Well, to all those who believe that love is wonderful, magical and utterly exciting, I’m sorry to have to be the one to break the news, but it’s not.
I believe that when you read my posts, you can tell that I’m pretty young. Indeed, I’m not even 20. So you might think, “This girl is too young to know what true, pure love is. I bet she’s never even been in ‘actual love’.”
I believe that if you truly love someone, you’ll wish them the best of luck, regardless of whether you’re in a relationship with him/her. I believe that if you truly love someone, you’ll never try to change the deepest aspects of their beliefs/personality, because you fell in love with them that way. I believe that if you truly love someone, you’ll let them go, if that’s the only way that they’ll be happy. If these do not show that you love someone, I don’t know what does. And yes, I do feel all these things for someone, even though I do not want to get back with him again.
Love is, in my opinion, one of the most painful things ever. It is like a bed of roses, but without the roses, and with needles sticking up from the ground. It is especially so when you like/love someone, but that person doesn’t like/love you back. Or when someone you love breaks up with you. That kind of pain is unimaginable. Drives-you-crazy, weeping-day-and-night kind of unimaginable. For me, when I fall in love, I give the other party my heart and my soul. I’m the kind of person that loves with everything I have. So it’s probably not hard to imagine my pain when I love someone who doesn’t feel the same.
Let me tell you a story.
On New Year’s day, I made up with a guy that had been ignoring me due to whatever reason he had. That guy is my ex-almost-boyfriend’s good friend, so I guess it’s not hard to imagine why he stopped talking to me. At the start, I was really guarded with him. For normal people, they have to get across the moat surrounding the labyrinth containing my heart, before proceeding to the labyrinth. For him, I added an outer wall, cannons and sharks in the moat to all those. Yes, that was how guarded I was with him.
Until one day, he told me his story. I hadn’t felt that bonded to anyone before. His narration was so familiar at some points that I felt like I was looking at another me. I don’t think that he’s told it to many people, seeing as he acts pretty cool around his friends. That was when my outer wall came down, and I removed the sharks.
About a week ago, when I was feeling stressed out and down, he walked over to my house just to console me. It wouldn’t have been that big of a deal, if it weren’t for the fact that it was at midnight. I did tell him that I needed to talk, but I never imagined that he would actually walk over. I thought that we would just converse via WhatsApp, but apparently, I was wrong. He just held me for nearly an hour, without either of us saying much. At that point, he practically disarmed the cannons and vaulted across the moat.
Just a few days ago, we went out to a water park. I know that people always say “Nice guys finish last”, but he was such a gentleman that I practically gave him directions in the labyrinth. I was basically going, “HERE YOU GO, I’LL LEAD YOU THROUGH THE LABYRINTH SO THAT YOU CAN ROB ME OF MY HEART.”
… I’m a fucking idiot. A stupid, brainless, irrational idiot. First things first, he’s my ex-almost-boyfriend’s good friend. What the fuck am I doing guys. I could have chosen ANY FUCKING PERSON in the WHOLE FUCKING WORLD to like, and I choose to like him.
Second, he’s now MY good friend. How the hell am I supposed to face him in the future? How am I supposed to hang out with him and pretend that my stomach doesn’t have butterflies? Third, and probably the worst and most painful, he’s likely to not like me back. I feel like he could only be nice to me because of the whole similar-experience-bond thing, and he could only be hanging out with me so much as the rest of his friends are working/in the army. This is the one that pains me the most. I might be the biggest dumbass in the entire world by liking him, but that still won’t hurt as much as him not reciprocating.
The whole not liking me back/breaking up with me thing has happened to me way too many times, but that still doesn’t make the experience any less painful. It just makes me surer that my opinion on love (at least at the start and the end) is right. Love hurts. That’s not gonna change anytime soon.