Sorry I haven’t been posting, school has been a mess recently with all the tests and exams. I decided to post today, because well, I’m heartbroken. Again. It seems to be a sort of permanent state of mine.
I would describe myself as a dreamer. I daydream way too much, believe in things and people way too much, and hope way, way, WAY too much. That is probably why I’m so sad whenever reality hits me in the face.
Today, I was talking to one of my closest guy friends. He’s been there for me a lot, and sometimes, when I have problems, he’s the first one I’ll go to. I would trust him with my life, and I would like to think that he trusts me with his too. It’s the perfect friendship, except for one little problem: he also happens to be my first love. I fell for him crazily 6 years ago, and even though we had a big fight 5 years ago and didn’t talk for 2 years afterwards, we made up.
Unfortunately, it seems like I didn’t deal with all the feelings I had for him. I just shoved them into one corner, and pretended for years that they never existed. However, the more I came to open myself up to him, the more those feelings emerged. Of course, I never admitted it to myself, but just pretended again that those are just feelings of brotherhood.
What utter bulls***.
Recently, I came to admit to myself that maybe, just maybe, I was still a little bit in love with him. But it wasn’t until today, when I just casually mentioned that we were way too comfortable with each other, that I realised that I might really, ACTUALLY, still have feelings for him. Because his reply of “We have a history, and cause of that there’s no way we are getting together.” hurt me. It actually, really, hurt me and I was surprised that it did, because I didn’t realise that I had been hoping. Again.
Again and again, I hope. Again and again, I get disappointed.
I don’t understand why I keep hoping. What’s really the point. Most of the time, I just end up getting disappointed. I feel like such an idiot, but I just can’t stop hoping. It’s ridiculous, but I do it again and again, and keep dreaming that one day, the ending might somehow change. That I might somehow not end up sobbing my eyes out on the floor. That it might somehow end with me having a smile on my face.
To hope or not to hope, that’s the question.